Trying to Reclaim a Memory

Since that strange day in Court years ago, I have tried to reclaim a memory.

On my way to a Sunday school picnic, mt car was hit from behind by a much bigger car. It was annoying as I was at a full stop due to the Ambulance and Fire truck proceeding through the intersection. The fellow who hit me claimed to have not noticed the line of stopped vehicles or the emergency teams.

The injury I sustained was deemed mild to moderate, but it did not seem to mend properly. My lawyer and I ended up in Court during Doctor's testimony, I was forced to leave the courtroom. I was awarded $23,000 for injuries sustained in that car crash, and during the Judge's summation he repeatedly referred to a severe accident I had endured as a teenager. The resulting trauma to my head and spine stabilised after a time. Years later, the force of this accident de-stablised them causing mayhem. The Insurance company had successfully argued that the damages were NOT the fault of the current accident and the Judge commented that he was inclined to award me $80,000 but due to these circumstances he reduced it appropriatly.

I went home puzzled.
Accident?
Head injury?
Blunt trauma?

I could not remember at all.
It took me another year or so when I had to go for an MRI because of dizziness. The Neuro-Surgeon told me that he could see brain damage to my frontal lobe. Nothing horrific but "interesting" he said. Did I remember any blows to the head?

It was another while before I recalled my injury on the School-grounds of my Elementary School in Grade 7. The memory is vivid and in slow motion, in fact almost in stop-motion.
I had rushed out to the baseball diamond to tag up for Scrub. For the very first time I would be second to bat. I was so happy. I remember seeing Sherry K. coming lazily up the hill behind the backstop holding the bat by the base letting it swing in rhythm to her gait. I remember looking over at my neighbour and friend Geraldine and smiling.

"LOOK OUT LOOK OUT!!" I heard and bewildered looking around the dispersing crowd of girls, I saw Geraldine looking up . I followed her eyes and looked up too.

The next memory is one of pain. I sank to my knees and my hands flew to my head where I locked my fingers and pressed down on the sore spot. I can hear Gerry saying:
"HEY!!!?
Can you get up? You guys... she is hurt. Get a teacher. Come on. Get up."

I remember little Gerry who was six inches shorter than me and thousands of times more sensible, trying to pick me up. I could not speak. I could not move. I stayed at home plate there with my hands of my head until another girl helped Gerry pick me up and move me over to the sidelines. Sherry was beside herself, apologising and trying to get me to speak.

I cannot remember walking into the School. I cannot remember any conversations with anyone except I recall so clearly everyone trying to get me to speak. I could not even think.

The Vice Principal's name was Mr. Pavey. To my young mind, he seemed rather a bully and very bad-tempered. He was annoyed to have his lunch cut short by a mute child with hands on head.

"You're all right. You get your hands off and let me see. Come on now. You are a big girl. Get those hands down."

He got louder and angrier and finally forced my fingers apart. I remember his anger and the strength of his hands pulling mine apart. I let my tired arms go to my side.
"See?" He said. "You are..... OH MY GOD, PUT YOUR HANDS BACK ON IT."

A fountain of red had spouted from my head. I remember Geraldine's smug face. She hated him. I don't remember anything else except my Aunt picking me up and taking me in the Vauxhall. And I was off school for a month.

Grade Eight I was off School for 3 months.
Grade Nine I was pretty much not in School at all.
Grade 11 and 12 I did by correspondance.

I saw stars, and music, hated the light, couldn't bear people near me and basically had every sign of a head injury for a long time. I was 21 before it was stable enough that I could live out loud like others. And yet... I did not remember it at all.

Not at all.

One of my friends from long ago recently told me that when we reconnected the saddest thing for her was to see how little I recalled about when we were friends. I do not even remember BEING her friend. I recall her being around. But nothing else. She isn't alone. Not much of my teen years remains for me. I have memories of pain and headaches, stomach-aches and wondering why I was so different from everyone else.

It seems so long ago. Geraldine's face -- the shock on Mr. Paveys' mean countenance, Sherry's repentive cries, and that sound in my head. The *whomp*

I do remember the Doctor telling me how lucky I was and how a heavy wooden bat like that being thrown up end over end with such force should have killed me. "a 1/4 inch in any direction and you would not be here." I remember telling that to my Mom and her detached:
"That's nice dear. Try to forget about it."

I have a client right now who has a head injury. Someone chucked something out of a car and it hit her in the head. She can't talk properly yet and it has been 14 months. She is in a state of shock and all the lights in her condo are dimmed because otherwise she screams.

I am so lucky.