Sadie's Secret to a Healthy Happy Marriage

They are waiting for me as I arrive.
He to leave and get some time on his own, she to have some quality time with me.

She is very lovely and quite a bit younger seeming than her actual years.
She has recovered very nicely from a few strokes and although she has mobility issues, she does very well. I see her taking a few risks as she transfers from walking to sitting and from standing to stepping but overall she does well.
Names are a problem and events have slipped away but she has retained the serene knowledge that her husband loves her. She can't remember if she is 68 and has been married 90 years or if she is 20 and married 40 years.

Naturally I understand this perfectly.
She was BORN in 1920. She was married in 1940. She has been married 68 years and her golden wedding anniversary celebration was in 1990.

I ask her what the secret to a long happy marriage is.
She looks me square in the eye:
"Lots of sex of course. We always had alot of very good sex."

Right on.
You go sexy Sadie!

---------------------------------- (*


No Fellatio here, thank you very much!

Once again the dreaded dentalwork!

Oh my aching mouth.
It is not the fault of the professionals working on my teeth that I have an exceptionally small mouth. Not that anyone would ever believe it as I am so vocal and opinionated, but my mouth is smaller than most childrens. I know this because the jaw separator for children is the only one I can tolerate in my mouth without cramping occurring.

I end the visit to the Dentist with a wince and an Advil.
There is no joy in Mudville tonight.

------------- *

The T-Bone Stake

Another day in Paradise

The ocean is turquoise and grey today. Further out to sea whitecaps ride the waves as the wind whips them along. I see the gulls hiding here and there, and even the eagles are not visible. Later I spot a pair in one of the trees along the waterside, evident by the top branches being pecked clean of anything but the raw branches.

It is decidedly cooler today. The promised rain of yesterday comes and goes in little showers. People are snoozly today; I am snoozly today but at least I do not walk into anything. Yesterday I walked up the ramp to my very regular client's home and hit my head on a hummingbird feeder that was not there the day before. I did not even see it. Annoying, but not as annoying as hitting my head on it on the way out. Again.

I have alot of driving to do today. Almost 110 kilometers by the time I get back home. At the last intersection I wait for no apparant reason when the light turns green for me and moments later a minivan coming down the main road runs the light at 60 kph.
Once again my guardian angels silent whispers have saved me.
I would have been t-boned on the driver's side.
---- THAT would have been me but on the driver's side!
Thank you God.


Finding the car, driving without brakes

More dreams. Vivid and banal. I dream the same scenario frequently.
It is a dream of me walking to find my car. My car, of course is gone or moved or perhaps I just cannot remember where I left it. In this dream I am generally remembering that my car is a British Sports car and sometimes I even laugh to myself at the thought I would ever drive anything else. In my dream this life here is the dream one. Distinctly odd but always so in this dream.

----segue to driving----- I put my foot on the brake pedal, remembering too late that they are not working. I try to modify my driving habits to accomodate this.

---segue to trying to take the bus home--- Again, I do not find my house. Or I find my house and it is completely different than I expect it to be but I do not want to show surprise to whoever is with me as obviously this IS my house. The home I go into is either an apartment on the corner of a building and completely unsuitable for me due to street traffic and undesirables, or it is large and sprawling and I wander through it in wonder, remembering that my husband and kid(s) are around somewhere.

---segue to fruitlessly trying to get home---
I am late or the bus is late or I am lost. I hate this dream.

There is a variation on this dream where I am on the highway to somewhere and I wind up in a *town* not of my choosing. In this version I am stranded unhappily.
Sometimes there is even a holocaust theme to it and I cannot return to my true home.

Now where is Jung on this one?


This may not be the life I expected but I do embrace it fully and love my life. Perhaps just not in my sleep.



80% chance of rain

Outside my windows, the sun is still shining low in the horizon.
Blue skies and white clouds. A gentle wind has started but no sign of the rain.
It was forecast to rain all week long.

Beautiful day to be me.

----------- *


Ever it was thus...

Am I getting older in my ways or is my attention just on the temporary due to the nature of my employment? Whatever the reason it does seem that this last year has held an unaccountably high number of deaths for friends and acquaintences.
Today I see an obituary for a wonderful woman who was friend, neighbour, co-worker and think how brief a time ago it was we were laughing beside a field of poppies and daisies.

A few weeks back someone mentioned to me that Campbell River has a disporportionatly large rate of cancers. The person who said it had transferred to that locale and within 8 months became convinced carcinogens made the air heavy with risk.
This person is otherwise very staid of opinion. It took much convincing before I actually listened without undue leeriness. Now my dear wonderful friend:
If ever there was a being emcompassing nuture it was her.
She had a glorious mane of golden hair tweaked with silver. She had a husband who adored her and was adored by her. She had daughters and family.
She emanated peace and joy.

And she too is gone.
Another hole in the fabric of my life.

I will always remember you Joy when I see wildflowers.
Joy truly sings on in all weathers.
--------------------------- x


You can't please everyone

Recently I ended my involvement with an online game which has more or less been a huge hobby/otherworldly existence for many many years. I still would like to be there however my rl obligations and the emotions which stem from that prohibit me from tainting my character and it no longer is the relase it once was.

In typical all or nothing style I got pissed off and *left*.
I am considerably older than many of my co-gamers. Many but not all.
Rudeness has always bothered me in all worlds.
I despise voyeurism and logging and all that goes with that peeking in on other people and judging them. In a digital world that is a given. People mind everyone elses business with gusto. Years and years ago I stopped having anything to do with people who are interested in developing their avatars into assholes. Roleplay is no excuse to be a ratass jerk.

Someone managed to annoy me just exactly that way on a day I was no disposed to overlooking and I reevaluated my *hobby* as a childish pursuit. Cold-turkey after 11 years. *ouch*

Can't leave without ruffling feathers.
Got a reminder of that today.

It made me a little sad.


------------------- *


Crossing those blurry lines....

More and more, our Community Health Workers and Nurses as well as our Mental Health Workers working out in the community are dealing with people who are very challenging to work with due to complex medical issues that until recently would have ensured their quick and possibly non-consensual placement in a facility.
Good news for the clients is not always welcome news for those who work with and alongside them.

In my client base I have two outstandingly difficult situations in which I am placed.
There is nothing I can do to make things better: only my own attitude and client-focused care are on offer. There are times I can hear a big sucking sound in my head, as I am bombarded with negative energies. Mostly I ignore such things, but every now and then it is not possible. Today was such a day.

It is a difficult thing to be younger than mandatory retirement age and wheelchair bound. It is even worse if you are dependant on others to keep you clean ie: changing your attends. Many stroke survivors become incontinent. Many more are forced to use incontinence systems (pads or adult diapers) because of the difficulty transferring them from wheelchair to commode/toilet. All this on top of a brain injury. Not very pleasant. When the damage is to the frontal lobe you can just bet there are additional behavioural issues that are hard to control.

I have a client who is deemed competant. This client can pass the test for such measurements. This client, deemed competant, chooses to lash out in anger during care moments. This client, although wheelchair bound is very capable of connecting jabs and hits. Today it was the sling straps. As I am leaning in to remove the leg sling, whap--- he whips the strap off and flicks it in my face. He had previously been jabbing at my co-worker.

It is hard to have to say to someone that you know would really rather not have anyone, let alone two someones, that because of their behaviour, you have to have an assistant. Eventually, if this continues, this client will wind up in restraints in a facility somewhere. It is just a question of time. Someone will be in the wrong position and one of those kicks hits jabs or flicks will connect in a way that harms rather than hurts. I have done my time there. I am done after today. Perhaps someone else will be more successful. More likely, someone else will not document nor report because of fear, shame or general careless-ness. Not that they won't care, just that they care not to report.

Does my client choose to be difficult?
Can I remove the trigger to the behaviours?

Sure I can: I could leave my client sopping wet and not changed.
I could choose not to transfer my client leaving them in bed.

No win.

--------- +


"Away mind" (dementia)

Quite literally this word means "away mind".
More comfortable to the 21st century seeker who requires more words when those two did splendidly, dementia means:

The loss of intellectual functions (such as thinking, remembering, and reasoning) of sufficient severity to interfere with a person’s daily functioning.

Dementia is not a disease itself but rather a group of symptoms that may accompany certain diseases or conditions. Symptoms may also include changes in personality, mood, and behavior. Dementia is irreversible when caused by disease or injury but may be reversible when caused by drugs, alcohol, hormone or vitamin imbalances, or depression.


It is not enough that we deal with demented clients day in and out.
It is imperative to be able to handle difficult behaviours in a way that does not include harbouring ill feelings or fear. I have no such trouble with clients.
Relatives, on the other hand are trickier.

For quite a while now I have been advocating for my parent who, after a series of ailments and illnesses show signs of a progressive dementia. Since I have taken the Cadillac of courses on this topic and have in my client list virtually every dementia going excluding some rare exotic yet-to-be-named ones someone somewhere is yet to diagnosis.... I am a very well-informed advocate.

When you do not have the letters PhD behind your name, anyone with G.P. thinks they must know more than you do. All right, perhaps not ___anyone___ but certain Doctors in this area fit that remark very well. Certain meaning quite a few, more than ten I could think of right off the bat. This is not necessarily a bad thing; we all need boundaries and distance from our work. Passion and obsession are very close indeed. It is preferable however when a family doctor LISTENS to what family members are saying about their loved ones, and take the individuals on a per case basis. 6 bloody years of asking a Doctor and now finally when the symptoms are so severe they cannot be denied... now the diagnosis comes in.

Nah.... disappointed.
There are medications that can halt progressive dementias for a time.
They cannot reverse them.... but would it not be nice to be where we were 4 years ago instead of where we are now?

I had some excellent teachers.
Some worldclass Psychiatrists and some garden-variety Nursing Instructors...
The nurses were in some cases JUST as valuable a resource as the Doctors.
It boils down to this:
An easy acronym for you to remember.

M for mobility
O for orientation
J for judgement
I for intellect
A for affect
L for language.

The global consensus is that if a person has any 3 of those factors in play, a dementia is at work. Whether temporary, reversible or progressive, it is a dementia.

My parent has M in spades.
J in spades.
O in clubs... A in diamonds...

It is a strong 2.8 but the J is so strong it rates almost as two.

So sad.
This diagnosis means the end of driving.
That may not seem bad to you or I, in fact I am delighted as long ago I stopped being a passenger with my parent. I drive or the car goes nowhere.
But to my parent it represents a little death.

In the end it never matters why.
It only matters how you handle it.

Lions anyone?


Life and Dreams in a Bruce Cockburn Song

--- oh yes, again with the Lion dreams.

Awakening this time, I was deeply fearful and only just remembered to remember it was a dream about lions that I was trying to forget. (!!!)

This now is the 3rd occasion I have recalled vividly dreaming of lions. Naturally I believe, as did Edgar Cayce, or whatever entity it was he channelled, that only I can know the meanings of my own dreams. Be that as it may, I took my search online and found this at http://www.experiencefestival.com/meaning_of_dreams_about_lion


To dream of a lion, signifies that a great force is driving you.

If you subdue the lion, you will be victorious in any engagement.

If it overpowers you, then you will be open to the successful attacks of enemies.

To see caged lions, denotes that your success depends upon your ability to cope with opposition.

To see a man controlling a lion in its cage, or out denotes success in business and great mental power. You will be favorably regarded by women.

To see young lions, denotes new enterprises, which will bring success if properly attended.

For a young woman to dream of young lions, denotes new and fascinating lovers.

For a woman to dream that she sees Daniel in the lions' den, signifies that by her intellectual qualifications and personal magnetism she will win fortune and lovers to her highest desire.

To hear the roar of a lion, signifies unexpected advancement and preferment with women.

To see a lion's head over you, showing his teeth by snarls, you are threatened with defeat in your upward rise to power.

To see a lion's skin, denotes a rise to fortune and happiness.

To ride one, denotes courage and persistency in surmounting difficulties.

To dream you are defending your children from a lion with a pen-knife, foretells enemies will threaten to overpower you, and will well nigh succeed if you allow any artfulness to persuade you for a moment from duty and business obligations.

Source: 10 000 Dream Interpretations, by Gustavus Hindman Miller


Fascinating stuff, except only the opening statement can be applied to me.
I am my own great force and of course I am in the driver's seat.

I continue my search....

Carl Jung was of the mind that Lions being ferocious, and to be dreaming of lions could indicate that you are harboring anger. The animal and the trait that comes to mind to you about the animal are the keys to
deciphering this symbol.

hmm hmm what do lions mean to me?

One of my siblings is a Leo and is soon to reside in the vicinity for 4 weeks.
I am not pleased about that event but I doubt my subconscious would bother connecting all those dots....

I continue looking..... dreaming of lions....
dream-land info dream dictionary....
yes! This one is FAR more suitable...

In the positive sense, a lion represents dignity, intensity and valiant energy. If you dream of a lion in a positive light, it means that you need to call on courage within yourself. If you are being attacked by a lion, be careful, you might be in danger. Seeing a lion: your friend sometimes looks dangerous. If you defeat a lion in the dream, you will eliminate your enemy. Seeing a lion in the cage: your enemy has no way to attack you now.

But in the end it is Edgar Cayce who had it closest.
Only I can know.... and I have no clue.

------------------------- *

"I had another dream about lions at the door
they weren't half as frightening as they were before
but i'm thinking about eternity
some kind of ecstasy got a hold on me ..... "

(Bruce Cockburn)


Charmed life

Lucky Charms

Ah the wearing of the green. It was surprising how many people showed up to work in Green. I know I did! One fellow even dyed his beard. Very cool.

As I was walking around town, caught up in delight and happiness, it struck me that if I were to script a life for myself incorporating every detail important to me, I could not have got it better. Of course I believe we all script our lives and we become what we imagine ourselves to be, or be capable of.

It pleases me that I have chosen happiness.

Thank you God.

------------------------ * . *


--- Kiss kiss ---

Another dream: I was doing some mundane task and suddenly a man I work with; a fellow employee kissed me thoroughally. It was a nice kiss and I was somewhere surprised but sufficiently delighted to stay asleep until I had been completely kissed. I was a little surprised at who it was in my dream but ah well: just a dream.

Today I went to a 2 person assignment and was very early.
I sat at the side of the side listening to Joy Division and daydreaming when up pulled the second worker.

"You going to this guy now?"

"Yup, Are you my second person?"

He leaned in and kissed me.
I was ---surprised---.
The dream kiss was better. This one was just on the cheek.
He said it was for being there as he dislikes going to this particular client rather alot.

I hate to tell you he is married.
He isn't married but he is in a committed long-term relationship.
How odd though that I would dream that and then he would kiss me.

I kinda liked it.


** 1 hour 45 minutes later **

The son of a client asked me if I would mind if he hitched a ride with me uptown.
Okay. No kiss there but it was..... odd.
Especially the part where he made some lame excuse to touch my leg.

Phermones I think I am exuding them again.

----------------------- *


Strange Dreams Indeed!

Nighttime dreaming is always eventful for me. Lately I have had some doozies.
I have yet to look these up in my dream books but I will share them.

The night before last, I had a very vivid dream in which a pair of lions were prowling around and in my house. Naturally it was not my current home but a rural location where there was a sizable yard. I saw a male lion, mane resplendant and was more or less dumbstruck. Everyone else was acting as if this was a relatively minor inconvenience.

"Go on Kaeb back into the house, the lion is gone."

I absolutely refused and stood my ground watching from behind a tree.
Moments later a black small animal darted by and out of nowhere a female lion pounced and dragged it away, struggling. The male followed.

I was trying to imagine what would have happened should I have gone into my house.
It was so gruesome I woke up.

I am not sure I ever dreamed about lions before.
Something new at last.


Then there was last night.
Today my eldest sibling is going to visit my parent's GP to try to get some essential paperwork filled out so that he can claim a tax credit to which he is entitled. In my dream the visit was unsuccessful and we were discussing how things could have gone better. I volunteered to go speak with the Doctor. Very reasonably.

It did not go well.
The Doctor refused to fill the form in regardless of his agreement that our parent is very different than he was not long ago. Next thing you know I was yelling and shouting and trying to get the last word in.

I remember telling my sister how satisfied I was at finally telling that stupid Doctor what I really thought of him and his fatalistic methodical pedantic approach to geriatric medicine.

She agreed and then told me solemnly that my cheap remark to the uninvolved bystander was uncalled for though.

haha. Humbled by a dream arguement.
I can only hope that I awakened at 3:30 am becaust the doggie needed to go out and NOT because I was shouting again.

---------------------------- *


Birthday Boy (s)

Happy Birthday Eric!

I am putting your picture up here.

I wish you a New Year of joy and contentment and happiness.
I wish you healthy kids and happy times.
I wish you a long walk with your God.

-------------- *

oh and cake.
I wish you lots and lots of cake.
Chocolate, perferably.

---------------- *

You too 'Clue.
I would put your pic up but I haven't one on this comp.
I know Chel and Kasey are taking good care of you.
And vica-versa.
May your beard grow ever longer !!!

(the offical *bog* birthday greets)



Marley-man is dead :(

For a few years now I have had on my mind whatever became of one of my favourite people from the long ago. He was just a little guy when I knew him but he endeared himself to me forever by his reluctance to let me go. He held my leg and sobbed.
"Noooo, noooo, I don't want you to be gone."
His father had no such trouble.

If there is a chink in my thick thick armour, it would be ---that--- family.
Not Marleyman tho, never him. Even at his tender age he was wonderful.
He inherited his mother's gift for images.
Even now, I cannot speak about __them__.
Noone has ever managed to get that close to me ever again.
And noone ever will.
God, I was a sucker.

I had a moment earlier this evening, when something someone said reminded me of that place, that time, and the sole thing I miss: Marley.

Well he is gone now.
Too soon too soon.
I know the lad I knew grew to fulfill his early promise I saw so clearly.
Follow that URL above and you will see it also.
He looks like Doug. But thin like her.

I cannot mourn for him. I did that years ago.
But I am sorry for his wife and family who will ever miss him.

You know; even now--- this hurts.

Farewell tender spirit.
Farewell once more.

------------------------ X

Olden days

"I don't know what I did to deserve that man. He was just so fine. Our children never heard us quarrel."

"Was he older than you Mrs. ___ ?"

"oh yes... by quite a few years. In fact I liked to tell him he started the war and I ended it."

She had told me earlier she was almost 80 but I realised then he was 1914 and she was 1918 making her 88. So she has lost a few years. Oh well.
I love listening to this woman. She tells me the same few stories over and over again due to shortterm memory loss but each time it is fresh and new and rivetting to her. I just love listening. She has such a gusto for life. Even at this diminished level.

She tells me she never aspired to anything at all other than to be a good wife.
She was gorgeous of course and has no idea how attractive she really was and remains.
Her husband likely adored her. She tells me he hated to travel but never begrudged her a vacation so she toured the world while he waited at home. I love that.

I do not do much for her. I am really there just in case she needs me.
Since she doesn't worry much about anything, her adls go by the wayside.
When I show up, with my familiar voice, she toddles off to bathe.
Then she comes back clean and talks my head off.

I love it.


----------------------------- . *

Turning 30-ness

Ah thirty.
That was the age I got sick in anticipation of being completely old.
I truly thought life was on the downhill slope on that eve.
Thirty represented some invisible barrier through which once passed, would be impenetrable from the other side.

Boy, was I ever dumb!
30 is great!

It is Dragana's turn to enter the 30 zone.
Dragana who is beautiful and talented in 4 languages.

You don't need birthday wishes my dear.
You just need to see yourself as I do.

Have a wonderful time in Belgrade.
-------------------------- . . . *


Those who would sacrifice freedom for security

This is a stellar quote.

This post is for George W.
A gift from Kaeb, free of charge.
Mr. Bush, read and engrave on your heart.
You too Mr. Cheney.

"Those who would sacrifice freedom for security will lose both." --Abraham Lincoln

"Those who would sacrifice freedom for security deserve neither." -- Ben Franklin


There is a crack in everything....

That is from a Leonard Cohen song that Ms. Rogers made reference to concluding her interview with Mr. Clewes.

Would that not be the very best book title ever?
"A Crack in Everything" by Kaeb (with thanks to Richard Clewes, Shelagh Rogers and Leonard Cohen)

Yup. One day.

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in

Leonard Cohen (Anthem)

Finding Lily

Finding Lily .by Richard Clewes . 155263745X . $24.95 tp . March
“It doesn't whine; it doesn't sing with false hope, either. Finding Lily is simply the story of a bad thing that happened to a decent man—and what he did in the aftermath. I wish more writers wrote like Mr. Clewes.”—David Gilmour, author of A Perfect Night to Go to China

I heard Richard Clewes speaking with Shelaugh Rogers on Sounds like Canada.
Richard Clewes travelled to the Caribbean, Europe, Asia and the Antipodes in an effort to sort through his grief after his wife committed suicide.
The story of his journey is told in "Finding Lily".
I actually cried. By the beach.

Richard Clewes said something amazing.
He said:

"It is a grace not to thrash against time."

That is one of the truest things I have ever heard.

--------------------------- @


A cancer of the ....

Ah mental health.
I had a dentist years ago who told me that good dental health promoted good mental health. It is as good an adage as any and as accurate too.

Alot of mental health work has been offloaded to the appropriate ministry.
(read cancelled)
Very little mental health work comes my way these days and I am soon to lose my last few mental health clients. These are people who are in need. People who need a steady hand beside them to hold onto the rudder as they encounter storms.

As I sat at the beach watching gulls feeding and waves dancing, I heard a voice on the radio say:
"Loneliness is a cancer of the Soul."

Aptly this was a mental health client speaking.
There are better treatments for cancer than to nuke the hell out of it.
Radiation tends to kill everything.

Pay attention Ministry.

Payback and Karma

After a very unusual failure which culminated in wire off, I went to the twin city for 2 clients I did not know at all. Typically, my shift does not include this area unless client hours are high and worker availability low.

A very nice gentleman, frail and thin with a severe case of the shakes.
Parkinson's and a new person: not sure which would set him off more than the other.
A simple task: washed, dressed and groomed.
A anally retentive assistant (me) who washes and grooms each person in the way I would my own child. I would not want my child going out into the world dirty or half-washed. If people can choose and have the judgement to do so, they can do whatever they like. If they are relying on me to help them on their way, then they are going to be clean and lovely.

As I left the home, the gentlemans said to his wife (so I could hear):
"She's one of the creme de la creme m'dear. I enjoyed that, believe it or not!"
She turned to me and said:
"You can come back ANYTIME! For a cuppa tea even luv."

I love my job.

Warm fuzzy wuzzies.


Next client also total stranger--- finished tasks and:

"Boy I sure got lucky today! Can you come back tomorrow?"

Perhaps I smelled right.
Of course Mrs. Boppedy boo-boo didnt think so but you can't please everyone and with dementias, nothing can be assumed.

Wish someone had told me she was demented. I found out the --oh--so--very--hard way.

Ah well.
Karma took care of me.
I had a wonderful day.



The Ocean as Breakfast, lunch and dinner

The Sea is lapping against the shore where thousands of gulls sit.
Above them, eagles circle calling to one another and out to sea, there is the barking of seals and sea-lions.

My client told me to watch the seas and when I saw the gatherings of the gulls and seals I would know the herring are in.

"Are you a commercial fisherman?" I asked.

"No, just an appreciator of God's table. I have lived on the ocean for 30 years. You learn something from it all the time."

And I learn from him.
What a glorious feast.

------ *



The reality of my last few weeks and months has been one incredible journey from hope to *whateverthisisnow* .

If ever someone does something to truly and deeply hurt you, do not ever let them back into your heart.

Even as a person of hope, I still say truths I would rather not.

Go figure.

---- phht.