Whatever you do, don't chop my tree down!

"I was born the same year that tree out there was planted."

I was fascinated by my elderly client who had a unique knowledge of the area.
He measured everything by trees.
He was ailing, and his family was circling. He held a large property which he regarded as a trust of sorts. He was a steward of the land.

The sands of time slip quickly through and he could almost count the ones he had left. Although he was closing in on a century he was so vital in every way except one: he had high blood pressure. The Doctor read him the riot act about gardening.

I was sitting with him one evening as he was cataloging the different native species in his bog. One parcel of his land was a marsh, which he absolutely adored.
Not so the family.

I heard him telling the grandsons and great-grandsons about the tree that shared his birthday. "Whatever you do don't chop my tree down."

He succumbed to a fatal stroke a few months ago.
The tree succumbed to an axe not long after.

I heard along the grapewine the marsh flooded the house where the grandson took up residence.

----------------- *


Excessive bon-bons

ooo too much of too much!

I was wallowing all week as crunchy foods are out of the question atm.
I ate a creme horn. mmm
I ate three vanilla custard creme slices. mmmm
I ate 4 chocolate bars. mmmm
I ate....
and ate...

and now:

I am digesting.


Something I want to remember:

After my orgy of anger, in which I justified myself through Helene who said: "Even Christ got angry at the market in the temple" I have come to see once again, that being right is not enough. Not good enough at least.
I am capable of better things.

Today I stopped in to visit a dear friend who was calling me all weekend.
I, of course was not home. Or at least, not answering.
Her beautiful daughters were home and telling their mother and me all about life as a teen in 2006. I try to relate but it has been too long and I am so very amused by the preening and hesitations of the lovely young girls.

The younger was talking about another girl in her set who was very bitter and nasty.
She was putting down another girl.
My friends daughter had enough and so she grabbed the arm of the gossiper and said:
"HEY, don't hate: appreciate !"

Cool little mantra I was thinking. Very cool.
Then my friends daughter turned and pointed at me.

"I learned that FROM YOU !"

Glory hallelujah saints be praised!

I suppose I am not all bad after all.
--- *

More inappropriate placements

If you could see what I see!

=-------------------- !!!

Analgoue me in the digital world....



Possibly unreasonable....

It was suggested to me that possibly my position on volunteer work is unreasonable.

Of course this makes no sense at all to me.
If I worked somewhere and there was a large amount of boxed items sitting waiting to be dropped off somewhere: somewhere I would drive past every day, I would take a box or two or five a day every day.

Of course this attitude is unreasonable.
How much more sensible to walk past it and complain about the uppity volunteer who does nothing. Yes. Much more sensible.



Thankless Enterprises

I gave my time as much as I was able; even more than I was comfortable with, yet this was not enough.

There are paid staff to deal with things but no, it is volleyed back to me again and again.

I am out-of-sorts.
Thank you apparantly is a phrase that has gone out of style.

or at least without disclaimers and caveats....

next year I will say this:
"I can give you 8 hours or my time. Or I can donate $100. Take your choice."

Not feeling very godlike right now...
It's not that I require syncophantry about... I just want to feel appreciated.
It is a huge thing for me to make time where there is none particularly to be with crowds of people. Something I avoid mostly...


The Remains

Since allergies have made gardening unthinkable and shopping unbearable, since pharmaceuticals have turned me into a beholden pauper, my living room is my chief dwelling. The joys of television are mine at last.

This channel Turner Classics has proven to be a very decent thing indeed. There are no commercials to disturb my enjoyment of movies. I have just watched my favourite Merchant-Ivory, "The Remains of the Day." In a similar vein I enjoyed Altman's "Gosford Park" but for pure acting ability it is impossible to beat Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson.

------ ----- ----- *


Deeply Moved

My private client died this week. She went in comparative comfort.
The family funeral and after arrangements were woven around my schedule.
That was profoundly moving.

We went to the cemetary and I sneezed quietly into my elbow as the floatillion of flowers adorned her lowering.

Farewell my dear.


Twas grande

Show was great!

I do believe I get better as I get older.
There have to be some perks to this aging thing... besides wisdom.

Now if I could just stop my sweat glands from overproducing....
I drank about 3 litres of fluid in 2 hours.

Days like yesterday when the show is on a beautiful professionally lit stage, and the crew is so very competant, I long to do theatre once more.

But every day is not like that, nor every show.
And after hundreds of them, how well I know that.

But hey, yesterday was great!
I was cool calm and controlled and most of all, I had a great time.



Strictly Canadian

Okay I have to comment on the arrests this week of the suspected terrorists.

They allegedly were plotting to storm the Parliament Buildings in Ottawa and behead the Prime Minister.

Now that is truly Canadian!
We don't have bullets you know...

--------------------- *

Zootime, is she and you time

SPARKS' 2006 European Summer Concerts

June 17 Sky Music Festival: Glasgow, Scotland
Day Tickets £40
Weekend Tickets £75
Online Bookiing: www.ticketweb.co.uk
Telephone Booking: 08700 600 100

July 14 Summercase Festival: Barcelona, Spain
Tickets: 85 Euros

July 15 Summercase Festival: Madrid, Spain
Tickets: 85 Euros

July 16 Guilfest: Guilford, England
The festival runs from Friday July 14th to Sunday July 16
Festival Website: www.guilfest.co.uk/../
Day and weekend tickets available - £40, Under 16s - £25
Weekend Adult: £85, Weekend and Camping Adult: £95, Camper Van: £70
Weekend Under 16’s: £50, Weekend and Camping Under 16’s: £60, Under 12’s: free
Online Booking: www.guilfest.co.uk/2006/../
Telephone Booking: 01483 454159
Email: info@guilfest.co.uk
August 4 Wickham Festival, Fareham Hampshire, England
Ticket price £22.50 (+ agency booking fee)
Box Office: 01329 231942
Online Booking: www.ticketsouth.co.uk
Festival Website: www.wickhamfestival.co.uk

August 5 The Big Chill, Malvern Hills, England
Address: Eastnor Castle Deer Park, Malvern Hills, Herefordshire
Adult weekend tickets £120
13-16 year-olds £60, under-12’s free
Camper vans £40
Available from www.bigchill.net
Online Booking: www.bigchill.net/../
Telephone Booking: 020 7684 2020

September 1 Electric Picnic, Stradbally Hall, Co Laois, Ireland
There is just one type of ticket this year which is a weekend ticket that
includes camping. (There are no day tickets.) Tickets are €175 which is for
three days plus camping.
Telephone & Internet bookings subject to €5.95 service charge.
Agents €2 per ticket handling charge.
Campervan Tickets are €60 for access to a specifically designated campervan park. These Campervan Tickets are now sold out.
Credit Card Hotline
Ph. 0818 719300 (Eire)
Ph.0870 534 4444 (N.I./U.K)
Ph. +353 1 4569569 (Int.)
September 27 Elysee Montmartre, Paris, France
72 Boulevard de Rochechouart, 75018, PARIS, France
September 28 Bristol Colston Hall
No.: 0117 922 3686
Web: www.colstonhall.org
Tickets: £25.00
Doors: 7.30pm
September 30 London Forum
No : 08700 600 100
Tickets : £25.00
Web : www.meanfiddler.com / www.seetickets.com
Doors : 7.00pm
October 1 Brighton Dome
No.: 01273 709 709
Web: www.brightondome.org
Tickets: £25.00, £22.50
Doors: 7.15pm
October 3 Civic Hall: Wolverhampton, England
No.: 01902 552 121
Web: www.wolvescivic.co.uk
Tickets: £25.00
Doors: 7.30pm
October 4 Corn Exchange: Cambridge, England
No.: 01223 357 851
Web: www.cornex.co.uk
Tickets: £25.00
Doors: 6.45pm
October 5 ABC: Glasgow, Scotland
No : 0870 169 0100
Web : http://gigsinscotland.com
Doors : 7.00 pm

SPARKS' 2006 European Summer Concerts

------------------ * -----------------------
Zoo time is she and you time
The mammals are your favourite type, and you want her tonight
Heartbeat, increasing heartbeat
You hear the thunder of stampeding rhinos, elephants and tacky tigers
This town ain't big enough for both of us
And it ain't me who's gonna leave

Flying domestic flying
And when the stewardess is near do not show any fear
Heartbeat increasing heartbeat
You are a khaki-coloured bombadier it's Hiroshima that you're nearing
This town ain't big enough for both of us
And it ain't me who's gonna leave

Daily, except for Sunday
You dawdle in to the cafe where you meet her each day
Heartbeat, increasing heartbeat
As twenty cannibals have hold of you, they need their protein just like
you do
This town ain't big enough for both of us
And it ain't me who's gonna leave

Shower, another shower
You've got to look your best for her and be clean everywhere
Heartbeat, increasing heartbeat
The rain is pouring on the foreign town, the bullets cannot cut you down

This town ain't big enough for both of us
And it ain't me who's gonna leave

~ ~

Census, the latest census
There'll be more girls who live in town though not enough to go round
Heartbeat, increasing heartbeat
You know that:
This town isn't big enough,
not big enough for both of us
This town isn't big enough,
not big enough for both of us
And I ain't gonna leave!


We are Borg (?)

I am Three of Fourteen.
Next door behind me, my triple digit neighbour seems to have a new.... someone or other who is hell bent to keep that grass trim and the noise level intolerable.

All right, perhaps I am the only drone who detests the drone of the mower.

What was so bad about the native flora here that some assinine notion for green lawns became the cultural norm? I know there are even laws on the books of some city councils to ensure a tidy front yard.

Only humans could possibly be so stupid as to promote the natural greenery as *weeds* and the foreign one achievable only by poisoning the ground, as desirable.

It's insane!
Driving through the city you see all those proud people with their little spray cans doing an ethnic vegetative cleanse. One little poison, one little toxin, one little ounce of bounce.... and look how green and lovely it all is.
Are you wearing a mask? No? No matter, the earthworms aren't either.
And one little chain at a time it moves on up the food chain.

You go to a "nature park" to see what would happen naturally but in your own yard you fight the endless battles. Eradicate a few species of insect. Pour insecticides into the ground water. Complain when you get cancer.

oh and mostly:

You hear it everywhere.
"I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel awful."

Well I know what is wrong with me and you and the whole bloody lot of us.
We are insane.

When we are assimilated I do not think it will take more than ten seconds.
What possible technology can we offer?

Perhaps we will introduce the concept of *humour*.

God knows we are to be pitied.

further to that...


I am deeply, profoundly unhappy.
My pain tolerance is officially zero now.

If I could go back in time to the moment of my accident, would it change anything if I could avoid being hit?

Would fate demand it's toll making me get the same injury in another way?

Today I do not much care why it hurts.
puzzling things through on drugs does not work either.
All that happens is that I get sadder and sadder while the pain is somewhat numbed.

That explosion behind my eyeballs....
I see starbursts in my head.
The pulse is right there like a foehammer.

A dwarven warhammer perhaps even. Complete with wargs guarding it.
Finally, a unique!
(That was a MUD joke. The DWH is anything but unique except that you can only get one per character, per uptime.)
(okay I know you don't care but I do.)

When I first started online, I had a terrible bout of pneumonia.
It was probably the closest I ever came to not recovering.
Oh yes, we call it death.
I sat in my chair and some kind little soul from florida chatted away online at me, to distract me from my puffing wheezing and choking. Kellyn. I remember you.

Now I am not at deaths door but I am in the Lake of Fire.
The MUD personas can't cut it for me on this one.


A titanium jaw is only cool without the arthritis.
Oh, and it has to work too.

Bitter irony department.

Client to me:
"You have such a beautiful smile."

Definitly .... got it!

Some people just have a gift for words.
case in point:

---- !


Evil evil evil

Walked into my first client of the day.
"Are you in pain?"

asked me!
Jeepers, I am very poor at pretense.

I almost called in sick today due to pain but my clients ....
they are likely in more pain than I am.
I even wore lots of make-up today which, come to think of it, may have tipped them off. I do believe I had once told the client that whenever I am wearing make-up it generally means either I am off to do some public function -or- I am feeling awful.

My second client asked me if I was in a bad mood.
"You're not singing today."

I stopped and got some tynlenol.
For all the good it did....

Soon, very soon, in fact only months from now, this whole re-do will be in the past.
The process is torturous at times.
I know alot of people think I am doing this for vanity's sake but they have no idea what severe TMJ is like. If I do not wear my jig at night, my jaw locks. My teeth break. And if my jaw locks, I have to take some pretty heavy medication to make it through.

Before I knew it was TMJ disorder I had seven root canals done,.....
That's right: seven! --and--- one of those seven was done above the jawline surgerically by an oral surgeon who charged $1800 which was not covered by any dental plan.

The pain came back and the surgeon then told me that more surgery was indicated.
The treatment course chosen for me was supposed to be two years in duration.
It cost just about $7000
We are at 2 years and 6 months now.
The end is not quite in sight.

Some days are fine. Some days I hardly notice.
And then I will experience a set-back.
Some days if I had a loaded gun I would shoot myself in the jaw.

Today it is a good thing there are no guns around.

Today I wish I had some of that whatever it is they give me when it locks.
It's a drag.

And now it's his turn....

Not long ago I was visiting a glady for a brief time and was struck by the strength of the family support system. A 60 year marriage. Children who moved home to help her through the final transition... real good solid people and it was an honour and a privilege to be of assistance.

Today I returned to the home.
Today it is the gentleman's turn.

Family is everything. Perhaps not relatives, but family for sure is everything.

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. ~Desmond Tutu


Highly Distractable

To date or not to date.

I suppose a woman who can't even clean up should not date.

Springtime. On stage.
Somehow, whenever I do an event there is always someone, generally a man, who comes out of the woodwork to tell me some bland banal compliment. I am always surprised to think that it takes an event for them to realise my fabulousness.

Just because I am old and round and merry doesn't mean I am not highly desirable.
Alas, I am also highly distractable.
Attention span of a flea. As regards dating.

Speaking with a friend, "a friend" and was assured that I should be dating.
"Come on", he said. "You know you want to."

Well... I supppose I will do the obvious and wait to see who approaches me after "the event." Lordie, how lame is that?

Creativity & Chaos

A firm link exists between the need for order and a chaotic mind.
Interestingly, the creative process seems to overwhelm the cleaning process in my case. All this thinking.... (no lint today either)

Doug with a hug used to say: "Orderly things amuse disorderly minds"
and I am sure it was me he was thinking of when he taped it to his fridge.

Puzzling over things can take me away from everything and everyone.
Another person of my acquaintence who had a head injury also finds it insufferable to be in the company of others for long. Like me, he can drift off into a contemplative state and forget dishes, laundry, dinner. Unlike me, he does not have anyone else to worry about that can force you to attend to such things.

Walking in my door today, I remember thinking yesterday when time was all I had, that I chose not to do anything about the chaos within. I wanted to read and think and read and not think. As my door opened I looked down the long hall to the living room and felt some small shame. Can this really be MY house?

A few months ago I scalded my arm whilst cooking for a family event. I was so into what I was doing I didn't even feel it. Two days went by until another Nurse grabbed me and said: "Jeez put a dressing on that, would you?"
I was genuinely surprised to see a large patch by my elbow with one dismal pink layer of skin left. THEN I felt it. Believe me.

Left to my own devices and desires, with a sufficient income, I suspect I would be the cat lady. Except: I don't care for cats. They are the spawn of Satan... aliens from another planet. The advance guard of invaders....

Not cats but perhaps I would be surrounded by chocolates and books never emerging from my chaos.

Parallel lives.

A few of those cat-lady types are folk I visit.
I see myself. Oh dear.

Everybody thought I was a bit of an eccentric for wanting to be out there looking at the stars, but I still do.
Brian May

Awake, awash in life

Up I am to take on the day.
There is a tsunami in my mind.

Opening my eyes, I remember that, my long ago.
I listen to others speaking about times and people and I think:

"Just because you say something repeatedly, does not make it true.
Or rather, it does not make it true for others."

"Just because your trying to make sense of an irrational world means telling yourself comforting platitudes, don't expect others to swallow it."

When I dream, sometimes I remember.
Having a wonderful day. Too bad about the nights.

Sure you can get past stuff, but it is always there.

I was saved by a head injury I know it.
The children of abuse grow up into suspicious adults.

There is no drug that can take away imprinted reaction. Only stifle it.
Trust is gone.

Old and wise does not mean full self-control.

Maybe I should have been a scientologist.
It seems to work for Tom Cruise.

It will dispel with time.
It always does.

Interesting how the mind, even the subconscious mind, imprints those moments when adrenalin is surging. The love, the happiness, the contentment just blend into the background. The horror is painted red.

I wish it would just go away like my teenyears.
Adrenalin is a marker chemical.
It is the indelible ink of the memory.


"Unforgiveness is the poison we drink, hoping another will die."


Memo to the Space Channel

Why am I being so bloggy and spammy tonight?

Space Channel has the suckiest movies ever.
Should be in smell-o-vision.

Now to bed and my alternate reality.

g'night and dont forget to BUY YOUR MUSIC...

Oh sure I download crap too. Currently human not perfect, but...
support your local artists. National, international....

Art needs you.

More Sparks

Gotta learn how to add audio clips...

meantime visit THIS blog

and yeah,......

The fabulous Mael brothers with their newest album.

and yeah.... go here and be jealous~!
Envy envy covet covet

Love ya guys


I was perusing my own blog.
Amazingly I do the same things the same way year after year.

I am, once again, the Hostess with the Mostest for the event this year.
I have, once again, forgotten to book the day off.


Sometimes, I just do not know who is home upstairs.
There is a light, a flickering light.

Neon, of course.
Electric blue.

bah whatthehell, I will go kill an orc or ten.
THAT I can control.

yes yes I know...
don't knock it until you try it.
It is therapeutic.
And not as scary as VR or MMORPHS as text is whatever you wish it to be.

The Balkan Chopper King

Yes yes I am fabulous on an International level.
Well, not myself, personally, just by association.

When I was young and in my prime....
I used to hang with the boyos and rode my bike and altho we were not in a club, per se, we were a rowdy bunch of fun-loving bikers. We were not druggies, but oh boy, there was alot of beer around. I had tons of fun. Tons and tons.

Long ago, Jack DeShane was the first of us to die on the then-new Knight Street bridge. It was a shock. We went out to the site and the skidmarks from his bike were there. Nothing from the car that rammed into him. A 14 year old girl had taken daddy's car. After that, I was a little leery on my bike.

I never minded being on the back of the bike as I love the wind in my face.
Can't drive and close your eyes going *ahhh*, at least not and live.

Now my friend my online friend my incredible Balkan chopper king friend brings all these feelings back to me. I browse his website and see 2006 versions of my friends and I all those years ago. Except we did not have patches. As I said, we were not a club.

Another one of my olde friends from long long ago, Kenny A. had the best bikes of us all. Kenny was a charter member of the British Motorcycle Club and had the best Snortin, the best BMW the best everything. I missed the boat on Kenny.
He ended up marrying..... okay, I will not continue that thought.
He was a great fellow and I am sure he still is.

The Balkan King just bought himself a BMW.... a nice little short wheelbase mmmm I am so jealous bike.

I looked on his website (see link above) and I see fun fun fun.
It's all there.
The chicks trying too hard....
Oh horrors there is even one who looks like Paris Hilton...
I wonder if she is the same one with her shorts up her butt...
We had a couple of girls like that too way back when.
I did not hang with those chicks. In fact I did not even speak to them unless forced. They are just not my cuppa.

I click again and see a party a big huge party.
Every kind of enthusiast is there.
The true biker guys who just love their mates and their bikes.
The other kind...
The bikes, the beautiful bikes.
The choppies, the custom incredible everything and more...
I am not getting older, I am getting younger.
(Or is that mental... )

MAN I wish I was 18 again....
Would I go visit Macedonia?
Well: I dinno. If I was 25 even I prolly would.
But I aint.

----------------- *

Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline

Yes yes it is an oldie.
I do not even know who to attribute this to.
Whilst I was at a client's home I noticed she had a copy of this handy.
She was embarressed that I noticed but it is a good little joke.
To make her feel better about being *outed* by a stray piece of paper I told her I was laughing because I saw myself in so many options.

Funny how mental health still has a stigma attached.
Should I apologise because I had a brain injury?
Should you apologise because you are diabetic?
Should anyone anywhere feel less of a person because of illness or injury?

bah society.


--and now, the paper in question;



If you are obsessive-compulsive Press 1 REPEATEDLY.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to Press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, Press 3-4-5-6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic: listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which # to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which # you press; they are all wrong.

If you are anal-retentive, please continue holding.



Can I growl now?

After that rant I feel the need to growl.


.......................... *