It means nothing to me...... oooooo

Trying to explain *why* it is that I cannot continue in the role of Treasurer in my not-for-profit group. I was struggling. Not only did I continually refer to myself as the Secretary, much to the shock of the Secretary, I could not express myself in a way that made sense to the shocked group whom I had just presented my budget to.

"It's not that I don't have the time. It is more that time means nothing to me."

uhm..... Honey girlfriend, yeah you in the mirror: You gotta speak the language of the Natives to be understood.

I got the shocked puppydog looks the HOW COULD YOU BETRAY US AT THE LAST MOMENT looks the ohno, what now looks and I caved. One more year of it.

I have to admit my shit:
I am more than capable of it. Of course and doh math savant.... control freak... I have all the best traits for being a financial auditor.
I am just lazy. And so guarded about MY time.

I now have to schedule in a weekly block of bookwork.
It isn't even that big a deal unless of course you don't do it for 6 months.

God has called me on so many of my poor traits.
This is the year he is asking me to jettison the lying and using grey trues.
I hate it. I say I want to be a better person and so many times it really means I want *you* to be a better person to make my life more comfortable. God says to me no no sweet pretender, I asked you to do it.

Me and God talk alot.
Sometimes it is just me to God asking all the big questions.
Like: Whats up with the patriarchal Churches in your name?
Where is the Feminine Divine?
Why do you allow war and suffering?
Why are the rich allowed to persist in their oppressiveness?

Bookkeeping doesn't come up much between us.
But:

I know I have to get it together. I know it.

Do I think I am a divinely appointed bookkeeper? naaaah.... that delusion would get me out of alot of accountability. I know I am working on letting go the need to justify my bad thoughts and behaviours and covertly and very intelligently blaming others for it.

I have to become a Second Peter person and get to that place where I can become a person who can say and mean it: "God is their judge', while reemembering God gave me a double helping of many things other people cannot fathom. God doesn't want me to say: "oh Lord I am so talented. Please help me to relax into that and I need more laying around the house time" but God does want me to just go with it. And relinquish control.

I CANT CAN NOT WILL NOT SHALL NOT WILL NOT

My family of birth all 4 siblings in my pack are control freaks.
Not merely controllers.
We are world calibre in our ways.

One is letting go of all the unnecessary crap more easily than the other 3.

Next in line struggles with blaming and shaming in an effort to not have to say or admit that when others don't puppet her wishes she gets very angry.

One sees it in others and knows it to reflect her inner values and the last just keeps himself busy and busier.

Oh and number 5 the founder of we fools, is busy picking up little bits of fluff off from his floor in case they might be seen. Housekeeping is very important. Exteriors you know.

The worst of us is up blogging at 6am on her day off.
What on earth can I do to show her how to let go let it go let it allllll go and let God be in charge?

The spirit is willing.
The flesh, is deliciously weak. That's the way we all fall down.
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