Learning to Live.

I'm learning to live.
This new way, this medicated restrained way, has become my new normal. Finding out it has been over one year - ONE YEAR - amazed me. Part of the change is that strange indifference to time. Strange new kind of indifference. Time is a topic that does not benefit from written dissection.
When you have lived so many years in an altered state, something new is not only challenging, it is downright weird.

Life in the very very weird Pepperland has some perks.
Insight.
Small joys.
And this unending quiet rebellion against time.

Some things never change.

More Sleep Eating

What a wild weird-wired brain I have.

More sleep-eating last night, but Breton Crackers...

I think I am going to try to fool myself by putting a healthy apple all sliced and peeled on a tray by the beside stool... perhaps with a glass of ginger ale.

I wish I knew what is up with this eating stuff.

Okay, it is not as bad as the yelling stuff was or the waking up in terror but....

I have gained weight. Enough that my tummy is bulging, if not my brain.

--- *

Dark Energy

Einstein was correct.

(cue creepy music)

"Dark energy makes us nervous," said Sean Carroll, a theoretical physicist at the California Institute of Technology who was not involved in the supernova study.

Me too, bud. Me too.

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And there's also some energy latent in empty space itself, something we call dark energy, and that's what's controlling the expansion of the universe. So we've learned that the universe has these rather mysterious ingredients. -------- Martin Rees

More Craziness

Unbelievably, 135mm (over 5 inches) of rain fell in Port Alberni today.
Along the highway in and out of Port Alberni, trees fell everywhere.
Now these are not just __any__trees. These are old growth giants.

A short while ago, one of these trees came down by the parking lot in Cathedral Grove.
It squashed a car seriously injuring the occupants. They got off lucky. Last year a couple were killed the same way.

Can you imagine?
The same things happened in Vancouver today with old growth trees in West Vancouver taking out homes. This is crazy weather.

Living here all my life I can say with confidence there has never been weather like this.
It is warm and wet and wild. In November.

We expect another storm on Sunday.
God help us all.

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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

George Carlin

One Mother of a Crazy Day!

I woke up to a Tsunami warning....

Going out to my car, which is parked in front of my home on a level spot, I stepped into a 4 inch puddle. On a flat surface. --meh--
and it went downhill from there.

The winds and the rain were hurricane force at times and roads were closed, wires were down, trees littering the highways and NO-ONE but NO-ONE out unless they had to be.

I had to be.

One of my visits was to a nice condominium complex right near the downtown of the little Village.
The power went out five minutes into my visit. Then an eerie silence.

We looked out the back window to the cute little patio garden snug and protected from the wind by the other, higher buildings and landscaping. and *snap* just like that! out of nowhere a freak wind came from the southeast and blew the fence over. And the huge rhododendron aside it. And several planters.

The whole work day was like that! Power on. Power off. flicker flicker bang.
I am hugely happy to be home.

This is what the weather network has to say about British Columbia today!

• Rainfall warning for Central Coast-Coastal
• Snowfall warning for Central Coast-Inland
• Wind warning for East Vancouver Island
• Rainfall warning for East Vancouver Island
• Wind warning for Fraser Canyon
• Rainfall warning for Fraser Canyon
• Wind warning for Greater Vancouver
• Rainfall warning for Greater Vancouver
• Wind warning for Greater Victoria
• Wind warning for Fraser Valley
• Rainfall warning for Fraser Valley
• Snowfall warning for McGregor
• Rainfall warning for North Vancouver Island
• Wind warning for Okanagan
• Wind warning for South Thompson
• Wind warning for Howe Sound
• Rainfall warning for Howe Sound
• Wind warning for Sunshine Coast
• Rainfall warning for Sunshine Coast
• Rainfall warning for West Kootenay
• Wind warning for West Vancouver Island
• Rainfall warning for West Vancouver Island
• Wind warning for Inland Vancouver Island
• Rainfall warning for Inland Vancouver Island
• Snowfall warning for Williston
• Snowfall warning for Yellowhead
• Wind warning for Southern Gulf Islands

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“Prayers go up and blessings come down”

Braving the wild winds sweeping down the coast, I drove home from the family domicile to my own cosy condo. It was dark as well as gusty, with clouds in hues deep purple and black speeding past the ascending moon. It was so much more impressive a few mornings ago when it was setting at 11 am, fat and full in the western skies.

It was another good day. I am pleased that I did not immediatly go to bed after work, unlike yesterday where all day all I could think about was getting home and into bed. Not even a boyfriend about! Where would I put one if I had one?

One of my bathtime rituals is the reading of Vanity Fair magazine cover to cover. It was the November issue's term tonight. Something Princess Leia, Carrie Fisher said rang true.
When asked by that rapscallion George Wayne if she ever has a (prescription) drug-free day. she wisely answered:
"No. I am a mental diabetic."

Well said indeed.
---*

Beachfront Bliss

Finishing my shift, I drive along the oceanfront highway through little towns on my way home.
The water is so beautiful today, and the tide is high. I decide to pull in and watch for awhile.
I sit in my jazzy car blissing out. My eyes are closing.
*tap tap*

'Harm??!'
I look around.
'Good Morning! If you wanted to visit you only had to say so.'

Realising I am near to an old friends I wonder in that moment if I am awake or if I am slipping into a dream.
' Wake up!'

Now I am wide awake. Where did I pull into? Did I do this subconsciously or am I pulling in stuff from the ether. I know this little spot. Lifestyles of the richer than I'll ever be.
There is the Casa Mia beside me and my old friend before me. I am right outside his grounds.
Do I look like a stalker? He is looking in my window at me, puzzled.
' What are you doing? Wake up!'

'Sorry, really, I just wanted to watch the waves.'


He looks in the window at me. A sad look.
'I miss you an awful lot. I never see you. But I heard you have a boyfriend now.'

I am still half asleep and still wondering if I am going to wake up.

My old friend is a man I once dated for a short time.
He is almost 14 yrs older than I am.
He still works, in his consultancy, has no kids and two ex-wives. He is alot of fun, and a very agreeable companion and was thrilled to accompany me to events. This was tempered by his need to show off. I liked him right enough, but I did not like being a possession; being touted out for his old buddies. A big part of the relationship for him was to adorn me so others might adore me. He would tell me how I have the best personality of any woman (in a long long line of women) he ever met and by the way am I ever sexy. Flattering... but...

I never quite believed it was sustainable and so I did date him.
But not for long.
Being around obscenely rich people was fine.
What was not fine was that constant assessment.
He used to say to me: ' God they all want you. You're killing them.'

He actually cried when I told him I could not see myself in the role of girlfriend nor mistress nor wife nor anything really except past possible paramour.

'You are fond of me, I know that. In time that will grow to more.'
---- not good enough.

'Life can be made very easy for you.'
yeah yeah

'We could have a wonderful life.'
I already do.

'You would never have to work again.'
I love working.

'I could secure your future in case I went quickly.'
It is not this world I worry about.

So there he is knocking on my window.
'Good Morning! Wake up!'

I sit up and realise my motor is running and my windows are shut.
There is noone there. I really was asleep.
I shut the car off and get out. I have an amazing headache.
I walk down to the shoreline and stare out to the Islands.
My head is throbbing. I feel very strange. What made me pull in here of all places?

I walk back to my car slowly.
There he is.
Just walking along the Highway home. He has his dogs with him.

They recognise me before he does. He looks great, in walking shorts and a white T.
His hair is almost completely silver now and it looks great.
He is looking over at me ,looking over at him and then suddenly it clicks.

He does a little jig, he shouts and runs over.

'Jeez, this is so weird. I was just thinking about you! You have been on my mind all morning. How are you?'

I cant answer. He doesn't seem to mind and continues on.

'Heard you are seeing some guy. What does he have that I dont?'
He pretends to be kidding.

I burst into tears and give him a hug.
Now he looks concerned and confused.
'OH my darling kiddo! Do you want to come in for tea? What on earth is going on?'

I blame it on family crap make my apologies and get in my car.
This time I come home no stopping.
There is already a message on my machine I ignore.


Life is strange.
Dreams are stranger.
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