Learning to Live.

I'm learning to live.
This new way, this medicated restrained way, has become my new normal. Finding out it has been over one year - ONE YEAR - amazed me. Part of the change is that strange indifference to time. Strange new kind of indifference. Time is a topic that does not benefit from written dissection.
When you have lived so many years in an altered state, something new is not only challenging, it is downright weird.

Life in the very very weird Pepperland has some perks.
Insight.
Small joys.
And this unending quiet rebellion against time.

Some things never change.

One Sleep to Go

Is it twilight time already?

One more day. One more sleep. One more.

tic tic tic tic


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I was delighted to be in the company of my brother today.
I love him so much.
He is always striving to be better and he is better all the time.

So fast!

It is all happening so fast! Life is whizzing by.
Although I am corporeal and therefore technically incapable of understanding eternity and matters outside of this temporal state, I find myself altered as I age. As do we all I am sure.

My altered state loads my imagery on some sort of superimposed pallette of events and occasions. I see change myriad and murky in my blessed paradise. Too much change.

My parent who died had a dear friend who endeared herself to me by those very words: "It is too fast."

My parent who lives on has fast-forwarded through disease and pain this year.

So fast.

My sister who only speaks when she wants something looks back and sees events as a source of blame.
"We are all victims."
"Speak for yourself, I am not a victim. Victimhood is a choice."

I am a victim though.
Of my own poor choices.
Of my own trapped and tangled thoughts.
Of knowing I can be better and still being less.

Perhaps one day I will choose something to surprise myself.

I mean in a GOOD way.