All week long, the buzz has been around our tenacious warrior gentleman, who clearly was at the end of his life. No one wants to be the person who accidentally chokes him on water or rolls him and feels the final death spasm but someone has to be there. It was inevitable that one of us would be the last Health Care representative to attend to him and today was the day. My co-worker and I walked in to find him deceased. We did his last care as an act of closure and a nicety to the family and then we cleared as many of the medical reminders away as we could.
We said our goodbyes, telling his wife in respectful tones,how much we admired her for being so present and willing. Grace under pressure needs to be affirmed. We left the home, looked at each other and decided to go for coffee. I booked off my next client as I could feel my usefulness as around the zero mark. My coworker did the same. Do not think badly of us. We just needed to breathe.
For three years we have been going into that home to care for this man. At first we went to the upstairs bedroom. Next we used a lift for bathing but assisted him to stand and walk. A renovation moved him to the lower area where a hospital bed and an Angel overhead lift made transfers safe for all. Last summer the word came down the pike that the assisting to stand was off the books. He grumbled but acquiesed. His decline necessitated catheter and bowel care, and even this indignity he bore. His wheelchair was modified repeatedly to accomodate his growing needs. Pureed food came before syringe, and this last week, it was very little of anything. The constant throughout all this was his resilience and refusal to have things done any way but the way he wanted. He did not suffer fools but once he trusted, that trust was firm and unwavering.
To see another human being use their will so mightily is an awe inspiring thing. Very few of us possess the tenacity to wrestle Death to a draw. The trouble with a draw is that there is always a rematch, and Death being who he is, always wins.
There are no words for the things we see and do. There is no one other than another Palliative Care worker who understands the feelings that wash over us at such a time as this. We are happy that he has found his rest but we are sad that we bore witness to such incredible pain and suffering.
The reason that man stayed around this planet on this plain for so long is that he understood what is stronger than death. It is love. He had the love of a wonderful woman, bless her heart.
It will be a long time before I forget these two extraordinary people. I stand humbled.
Showing posts with label warriors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label warriors. Show all posts
10.1.09
26.6.07
Not Unexpectedly, Alice leaves the building...
*Alice* was a very strong woman indeed. She was clever and talented and hugely compassionate. She was a founding member of a volunteer organization in Vancouver devoted to caring for those with disabilities. She had been a career civil servant and had been forced to retire in her early 50-s because of very ill-health.
Alice and I met a few years back when she was released from hospital after some infection or other had settled in on her refusing to leave on it's own. Alice had great Doctors, and knew her own treatment options backwards and forewards. Alice chose her own path, charting it with great care.
She never did anything without informed consent.
The disease ravaging Alice was merciless. She had a drug regime that was destroying her kidneys. She traded longevity for quality of life. Alice knew her days were dwindling but nothing prepared *me* for the day, not long ago, when during my visit she broke down and wept. I had no words of wisdom for her. All I could say was how difficult I knew it must be for her always being the strong one.
Alice had a longtime companion who was older than her. The companion did her best and they lived a good life. I knew it was trouble that day when Alice told me she was tired of it all. She wept and said she was sick of fighting, sick of being strong, sick of pretending everything was going to get better when she knew it was only going to be worse. She had just come home from a horrendous hospital stay in which 3 hell-nurses had sucked her hope away.
That of course is heresay. But Alice never lied to me about anything else and was always exceedingly kind and caring, even when her care was substandard. This last stay was different in some way. She had been vunerable for the first time in her life, in a way she was unused to, and these Nurses had gotten to her. They were trying to get her to do things for herself, telling her to get out of bed and do it herself. They told Alice over and over that she was capable.
A woman of such immense self-will, who had battled harder than most can imagine finally being tired and being rewarded with the "Do it yourself" routine. I have to tell you that even the dullest care-giver could tell at a glance that Alice had some huge problems to overcome. Her limbs were twisted and her body was bloated from kidney failure. Of course she could do it herself when she was well, but damnit she had not been well in years. And yet she HAD done it herself, day in and day out, getting only minimal support.
Alice thanked me when I left for listening. She asked me to pray for her. I heard two days later she was readmitted, hopefully not to the same floor. She passed on within a few days.
Alice, I know you are free now. I could never do what you did. I am not that gracious.
I know I did all I could for you, but I wish it was more and better.
This one hurts.
Farewell to another warrior.
Alice and I met a few years back when she was released from hospital after some infection or other had settled in on her refusing to leave on it's own. Alice had great Doctors, and knew her own treatment options backwards and forewards. Alice chose her own path, charting it with great care.
She never did anything without informed consent.
The disease ravaging Alice was merciless. She had a drug regime that was destroying her kidneys. She traded longevity for quality of life. Alice knew her days were dwindling but nothing prepared *me* for the day, not long ago, when during my visit she broke down and wept. I had no words of wisdom for her. All I could say was how difficult I knew it must be for her always being the strong one.
Alice had a longtime companion who was older than her. The companion did her best and they lived a good life. I knew it was trouble that day when Alice told me she was tired of it all. She wept and said she was sick of fighting, sick of being strong, sick of pretending everything was going to get better when she knew it was only going to be worse. She had just come home from a horrendous hospital stay in which 3 hell-nurses had sucked her hope away.
That of course is heresay. But Alice never lied to me about anything else and was always exceedingly kind and caring, even when her care was substandard. This last stay was different in some way. She had been vunerable for the first time in her life, in a way she was unused to, and these Nurses had gotten to her. They were trying to get her to do things for herself, telling her to get out of bed and do it herself. They told Alice over and over that she was capable.
A woman of such immense self-will, who had battled harder than most can imagine finally being tired and being rewarded with the "Do it yourself" routine. I have to tell you that even the dullest care-giver could tell at a glance that Alice had some huge problems to overcome. Her limbs were twisted and her body was bloated from kidney failure. Of course she could do it herself when she was well, but damnit she had not been well in years. And yet she HAD done it herself, day in and day out, getting only minimal support.
Alice thanked me when I left for listening. She asked me to pray for her. I heard two days later she was readmitted, hopefully not to the same floor. She passed on within a few days.
Alice, I know you are free now. I could never do what you did. I am not that gracious.
I know I did all I could for you, but I wish it was more and better.
This one hurts.
Farewell to another warrior.
13.6.07
Another Warrior felled
Sometimes the strongest warriors are the gentle ones.
A year ago, this lovely man, looking transluscent, shook my hand and looked into my eyes and thanked me for taking time on a morning to sit down with him and chat. He was critically ill and already past the day when it was expected he would join the choir invisible.
This week I had the sad news that the gentle warrior went on to other realms.Kendall was his name, and he was a friend of mine. He used to come for the Friday morning breakfast club at the local A & W when he was well enough. His cancer was slow and insidious, but it never ever triumphed over him. He was a man who lived and died with cancer, but not of cancer.
This quote is for you, Sir Kendall:
"Though my soul may set in darkness it will rise in perfect light, I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." -- (Sarah Williams)
2.1.05
Mmm part 2
Back to the two Millicents.
Millicent #1 went to hospital sometime in this last year after a bad fall.
Possibly she is in convalescent care but more probably she has been placed in a long term care facility as she had some other medical problems.
Millicent #2 was told she had 3 months to live last October.
She opted to stay at home. Christmas of 2004 all her family came to celebrate in high style and marvelled at how well their Mother-grandmother-Great-Aunt-Sister was doing. Springtime her children decided they each would come for a month until such time as mom was gone. Summer waned and Autumn came and still Millicent was soldiering on. She was a marvel.
Not so very long ago, I was at her home and she was planning for the next week.
As we came out of the bedroom I heard her daughter say to a visiting Nurse: "I think it is for the best." The Nurse answered: "it's time, in fact it is long past time."
Millicent looked at me and I squeezed her hand. We walked down her hall and the Nurse hastily left. Her daughter was holding her coat. "We are going now Mother."
Millicent took a short breath and then in grand style made her decision.
She turned to me and smiled and thanked me.
Then she said: "I will see you again. I am quite sure of it."
The office called me and told me to strike her off my list.
"She has gone into a facility."
I knew that. I silently blessed my Father in that moment for never doing that to my Mother although the personal cost to him was huge. It is nothing you can ever blame or shame someone for. Everyone is different and we all have our breaking points, Still though, I feel sad when a person cannot achieve their desire in their last days.
I knew where Millicent was and I planned to visit her.
Like all the very best of intentions, this one was on the road to Hell. I never did get myself organised beyond saying to myself: "Today is the day I go see Millicent."
I had some guilt as I remembered her last words to me. She was so positive in her statement.
Her disease process was much slower than her Doctor's had anticipated, but all the same, her life was drawing to it's close. I was having a guilt moment the other day as I went to see my private client.
Walking down the Hall where my private client lives, I have to pass the Journey of Hearts room where end-of-life care is given for those whose palliation is imminent. I looked at the name on the name and walked in without missing a step.
"Millicent M, it's me! How wonderful to see you!"
The figure in the bed was very bloated and her face had swollen to twice the size I remembered it. Her eyes were closed. She was lying on her back. There was someone sitting in a chair just behind me shaking their head at me.
"I am so sorry I did not get a chance to see you in that other place! It just never worked out for me but now you are here I am so happy to see you again! I wish you were home and I was making you something tasty and delicious but nevermind! The people here are pretty wonderful too!"
Her voice, unmistakeable, quivered and then, finding it's tone settled into a clear sentence.
"DEAR!! I am happy to see you too!" Her eyes were still closed.
I took her hand and squeezed it gently. I know how precious those last days are. I understand the gift of speech in end of lives. Every word comes at great cost. And there are only so many of them left. It is a real honour to have any directed my way.
"Millicent M. I have to go now, but I wanted to wish you a good Christmas and all the very best with your family." I leaned over and kissed her forehead.
" Thank you so much for coming. Same to you and your family."
I turned and left the room. The chair's occupant was now in the hall sobbing.
I heard Millicent died a day or so after Christmas.
God bless you Millicent the proud and victorious.
You ran that last lap as a champion.
------------------
But I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, his greatest fulfillment of all he holds dear, is the moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious.
Vince Lombardi
Millicent #1 went to hospital sometime in this last year after a bad fall.
Possibly she is in convalescent care but more probably she has been placed in a long term care facility as she had some other medical problems.
Millicent #2 was told she had 3 months to live last October.
She opted to stay at home. Christmas of 2004 all her family came to celebrate in high style and marvelled at how well their Mother-grandmother-Great-Aunt-Sister was doing. Springtime her children decided they each would come for a month until such time as mom was gone. Summer waned and Autumn came and still Millicent was soldiering on. She was a marvel.
Not so very long ago, I was at her home and she was planning for the next week.
As we came out of the bedroom I heard her daughter say to a visiting Nurse: "I think it is for the best." The Nurse answered: "it's time, in fact it is long past time."
Millicent looked at me and I squeezed her hand. We walked down her hall and the Nurse hastily left. Her daughter was holding her coat. "We are going now Mother."
Millicent took a short breath and then in grand style made her decision.
She turned to me and smiled and thanked me.
Then she said: "I will see you again. I am quite sure of it."
The office called me and told me to strike her off my list.
"She has gone into a facility."
I knew that. I silently blessed my Father in that moment for never doing that to my Mother although the personal cost to him was huge. It is nothing you can ever blame or shame someone for. Everyone is different and we all have our breaking points, Still though, I feel sad when a person cannot achieve their desire in their last days.
I knew where Millicent was and I planned to visit her.
Like all the very best of intentions, this one was on the road to Hell. I never did get myself organised beyond saying to myself: "Today is the day I go see Millicent."
I had some guilt as I remembered her last words to me. She was so positive in her statement.
Her disease process was much slower than her Doctor's had anticipated, but all the same, her life was drawing to it's close. I was having a guilt moment the other day as I went to see my private client.
Walking down the Hall where my private client lives, I have to pass the Journey of Hearts room where end-of-life care is given for those whose palliation is imminent. I looked at the name on the name and walked in without missing a step.
"Millicent M, it's me! How wonderful to see you!"
The figure in the bed was very bloated and her face had swollen to twice the size I remembered it. Her eyes were closed. She was lying on her back. There was someone sitting in a chair just behind me shaking their head at me.
"I am so sorry I did not get a chance to see you in that other place! It just never worked out for me but now you are here I am so happy to see you again! I wish you were home and I was making you something tasty and delicious but nevermind! The people here are pretty wonderful too!"
Her voice, unmistakeable, quivered and then, finding it's tone settled into a clear sentence.
"DEAR!! I am happy to see you too!" Her eyes were still closed.
I took her hand and squeezed it gently. I know how precious those last days are. I understand the gift of speech in end of lives. Every word comes at great cost. And there are only so many of them left. It is a real honour to have any directed my way.
"Millicent M. I have to go now, but I wanted to wish you a good Christmas and all the very best with your family." I leaned over and kissed her forehead.
" Thank you so much for coming. Same to you and your family."
I turned and left the room. The chair's occupant was now in the hall sobbing.
I heard Millicent died a day or so after Christmas.
God bless you Millicent the proud and victorious.
You ran that last lap as a champion.
------------------
But I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, his greatest fulfillment of all he holds dear, is the moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious.
Vince Lombardi
24.9.04
~*~ Death of a Warrior ~*~
Amid angels sighs...
on wings of thunder...
through a sunrise sky the eagle and its mate flies high…
The spirit warriors wait
-------------- ©Faye Sizemore
October 26, 2001
-------------
A sad thing happened around my town. I had the usual every 2nd Friday duty of dropping off my hours and mileage ito the office. Another worker was in the lower area where we have a drop file for such things.
I said my hi's and then my eagle-eye caught a single word on her client report sheet. *deceased*
I looked at her and she said, clutching it to her chest: "Oh no , don't look at that."
I asked her who. It was the warrior.
I gave her a big hug and asked her if she had been present at the time of death.
She burst into tears and said: "Yes. It was horrible."
She went on to tell me the last few days had been awful for her.
I told her how when I first started that happened to me in my second week on the job and I did not much like it either. We both cried.
"I am glad it was you." I said, then clarified; "And I mean that in the best of ways, you are a caring wonderful person and I am glad he had you.
What a warrior he was. He was a Pilot, a diver, a treasure-hunter, a financial wizard and so much more. He approached his brain cancer much the way he fought his paraplegia. He told me the hour and day of the accident which took away his ability to walk. It never stopped him from much except walking.
Mr. T. you were so strong.
Your courage and grace and appreciation of, and for, life was boundless.
God bless you and envelope you in his arms, free of pain and suffering.
@-#@-#@@-#@-#@@-#@-#@@-#@-#@@-#@-#@@-#@-
on wings of thunder...
through a sunrise sky the eagle and its mate flies high…
The spirit warriors wait
-------------- ©Faye Sizemore
October 26, 2001
-------------
A sad thing happened around my town. I had the usual every 2nd Friday duty of dropping off my hours and mileage ito the office. Another worker was in the lower area where we have a drop file for such things.
I said my hi's and then my eagle-eye caught a single word on her client report sheet. *deceased*
I looked at her and she said, clutching it to her chest: "Oh no , don't look at that."
I asked her who. It was the warrior.
I gave her a big hug and asked her if she had been present at the time of death.
She burst into tears and said: "Yes. It was horrible."
She went on to tell me the last few days had been awful for her.
I told her how when I first started that happened to me in my second week on the job and I did not much like it either. We both cried.
"I am glad it was you." I said, then clarified; "And I mean that in the best of ways, you are a caring wonderful person and I am glad he had you.
What a warrior he was. He was a Pilot, a diver, a treasure-hunter, a financial wizard and so much more. He approached his brain cancer much the way he fought his paraplegia. He told me the hour and day of the accident which took away his ability to walk. It never stopped him from much except walking.
Mr. T. you were so strong.
Your courage and grace and appreciation of, and for, life was boundless.
God bless you and envelope you in his arms, free of pain and suffering.
@-#@-#@@-#@-#@@-#@-#@@-#@-#@@-#@-#@@-#@-
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