What is TBI ?

This is for the emailers.
Those who found this blog by chance or by keyword.


What is TBI, you ask?
And why is it a problem in one who seems so capable?

TBI is short for Traumatic Brain Injury.
There is more stuff online about it than you could read in ten lifetimes.
This is a good start here - the Mayo Clinic's guide.

Why is TBI a problem?

Like many with brain injurys my memory is impaired, in fact completely unreliable. My specialty seems to be taking two or three similar events and cobbling them together into one false memory with true details. It is...... something very humbling.

My life is lived by lists and reminders.
Things that I have planned and looked forward to, frequently go by without comment.
One of the reasons I blog stories and little remembrances that elders tell me is precisely because of the forgetting. We are nothing without our memories. When someone gifts me with one of theirs I wish to treasure it. Some of my clients know that I have an impairment. Some of my management and supervisors know.. most do not. It is not who I am - it is just something that affects me.

It was very difficult to get my life in order to a point where I could manage my own affairs. My bills are auto-debited, my paycheques direct deposited and a whole lot of clocks and timers help me not get lost in my head. Because I do. If I do not keep on track hours bleed by without my realising. And yes, I drive a car. Not at night and rarely on the Highway and only because I get yearly brain scans.

The great struggles, the soul wrenches, are things other people take for granted. I was in my 20s before I found out that other people did not *see* sound, nor have nonstop adrenilin 24/7.
On bad days my brain physically hurts. Bright light sears and sound looks like a mass of jumble and feels worse. On bad days my legs move a little awkwardly and my feet kick out involuntarily every now and then. My eyes rolls my jaw sets in a grimace and I am told I just look incredibly annoyed. Imperiously so. Doesn't it figure that it would settle on me with a mantle of delusional grandeur?

All that I can deal with. Perhaps not always well.
What is contentious for me is the medication. S.
Alas my scrambled brain has forgotten how to shut down for sleep. It does shut off for an hour or so but never more unless I am completely exhausted. This means I have to take medications or within 3 weeks I become unable to function. --Medication--- see the rants I post every time I have troubles. Medication is a curse and a blessing in one. Without it --- if you are not financially independant you could very quickly become homeless. With it, you can manage to function within societal norms but at great cost. (!!!!!) Brain meds are pricey in all ways.

THAT is my world of TBI.
It's all I have.

Knowing the Demon's Name

There is power in naming something. To claim it is tricky.
Today I feel up to a fight.

So named one - mirrorme - let us dance once more.

-whew!

Finally the brainstorm has abated.

This horror was one of the worst ones of my entire life. It took 9 days to depart. The last 4 were pretty much unbearable. But thank goodness it is gone. And I did manage to keep it pretty much for myself. No inconveniencing or scaring others apart from my long suffering neighbour who shares a common wall along our bedrooms. She hears me shouting in my sleep.
I woke myself up last night shouting ENOUGH! And by golly, it stopped whatever it was in it's tracks. I rolled over and slept soundly to wake up to a cozy background mayhem in my mind. Doable.

One thing about having a brain injury - you have a friend for life. You are never alone in your total aloneness.
---
One third of the way along for my cancer-fighting friend. She has lost the thick mane of hair atop her head. It just fell out in 2 days.

Lady Di stopped by wearing a bright orange scarf. It looked fabulous of course.
I try to stay positive always in her presence. She is so fragile just now.
---

Today,10 boxes of collectables exited my home on their way to the thrift. Deeply suspicious after this last horror's visit as to what lies ahead, it seemed prudent to get a little more organized. My friends and family would not recognize the valuables in my sea of stuff. REALLY COOL stuff but stuff nonetheless.

The long stretch of despair and darkness that settled upon me made me aware that if that is what my future is to be I do not want it. Being currently human I have limitations of what I can bear. And my friends, this week was as close as it gets.

Today is good. So all's well in Pepperland.